The Anti Bride
by AmazonTurk
Summary: Set in MysticSpiritus' AU. Kandi is not the traditional bride. So why is everyone after her to plan a traditional wedding?


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A/N: Migraines be damned, I'm back! This episode of my insanity has been brought to you by an article on MSN.

**_Disclaimer: AU belongs to MysticSpiritus, Kandi and all her shortcomings are mine._**

* * *

The sound of paper hitting her desk alerted Kandi that she was no longer alone in the Shrine Library. And as such, she thought it might be wise to discreetly hide the pornographic magazine she was reading behind the huge tome of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. Of course, Kandi, being the certified klutz that she was, fumbled the monstrosity of the (arguably) greatest plays and sonnets ever written, ripped a scene from MacBeth out in her haste to grab it before it fell, and cursed loudly as The Bard's greatest hits landed on her flip flop clad foot.

"Son of a motherfucking bitch!" she yelled, tossing her dirty magazine down on the table and grabbing her poor, maimed foot. Unfortunately, it landed with the pages opened to the huge breasted centerfold pleasuring herself with the Vibracock 2001. Wincing, Kandi looked up into the stern, yet amused, face of her boss. "Rhianna."

"Kandi," the Head Watcher replied. Her hands found her shapely hips as her foot tapped on the floor in a steady beat. "Reno leaving porn in here again?"

"Uh, yeah," she answered sheepishly. She shrugged and picked up the magazine. "I shouldn't be reading this."

"Probably not," Rhianna agreed. "It's degrading to woman and the Church frowns on it."

"Yeah, and the skinny little bitches keep reminding me that my gut has exploded with wizard spawn," Kandi grumbled leaning back in her chair and resting her hands over her rounded belly. She reached into her pocket and grabbed a candy bar, unwrapping it and taking a bite. "Stupid skinny skanks."

Rhianna snickered and shook her head, sitting down across from the other woman. She reached for a magazine, the source of the paper hitting sound from earlier, and tossed it to her guardian. "Here," she said. "You're gonna need this."

Kandi took the magazine and dropped it instantly, retracting her hand as if it had burned her. "Oh, yuck!" she nearly shrieked. "A bridal magazine?!"

"You're getting married, Kandi," Rhianna explained. "That requires a wedding."

Kandi pushed her chair back from her desk and raised her hands up. "Rhianna, I was just in Akalara's monstrosity of a girly, lace-emblazoned, tulle covered, lavendar bridesmaid dress having, flowery wedding. Please, for the love of all things holy and the hatred of all things not, do not make me endure it again. I don't think the baby could spare the lack of nutrients when I proceed to throw up everything I eat."

"Kandi, stop being so dramatic," Rhianna sighed, propping her foot up on the desk. "It's not that big of a deal."

"Fine! Great! Eloping it is then!" Kandi said, whipping out her cell phone. "I'll call Kuja, we'll go down to the Justice of the Peace and get it done this afternoon. Or...hey! We can go to the city in Division One. What was that called? Las Vegas! That'd be cool! And then we can hit the slot machines!"

Rhianna nearly toppled her chair over trying to get to her feet. She grabbed Kandi's cell phone out of her hands. "No!" she yelled. "No! You deserve to have a big, beautiful wedding! With everyone's attention on you, the big, beautiful bride."

"Blow me."

Rhianna balked. "Kandi, every little girl's dream is to have a huge wedding, with her being the center of attention," she explained desperately. "You're wedding day is all about you. Don't you want that?"

"No," Kandi answered instantly. She crossed her arms and leaned against her desk. "I always hated that notion. The wedding is simply a meaningless ceremony to display either a) the wealth and prestige of the bride's family or b) the bride's own narcissistic tendencies and self-love."

Rhianna narrowed her eyes. "I had a big wedding," she said. "So did Akalara."

Kandi shrugged. "Akalara didn't have a lot growing up," she replied. "She needed one."

"What about me?"

The red-streaked guardian smirked. "Narcissistic," she said with a grin.

Rhianna pinched Kandi's arm. "You little..." she said, laughing along with the other woman. The Head Watcher sighed and shook her head. "I don't understand you. You really don't want a big wedding?"

"Nope."

"Fine, fine," she relented. She pointed her finger at Kandi. "But no eloping. And no Vegas. You have friends that want to be there for you."

"Yeah, yeah," she said, plopping back down in her chair and grabbing a Sharpie and the porn. She began drawing body hair and stretch marks on the models. "Whatever."

Rhianna smirked and turned around. Time for Plan B.

* * *

"I thought _I_ was giving you away?"

Kandi looked up from her milkshake into the violet eyes of one of her best friends. "Meh?"

Zack sat across from her and scooped a fingerful of whipped cream from her milkshake, ignoring her gasps of indignation. "I thought I was giving you away at your wedding," he pouted. "I heard from Ak, who heard from Reno, who heard from Seph, who heard from Gwen, who heard from her mom that Squall was giving you away. I wanted to do that."

Kandi cocked her head and arched an eyebrow. "Really?" she asked.

"Yeah," he said with a grin, grabbing her hand. "You're like the sister I never had."

"Never wanted, you mean," she chuckled.

He poked her nose. "Never had," he repeated. He turned his puppy dog eyes on her, the one's he reserved when he really wanted something.

"Stop that," she warned him.

Zack stuck his lip out. "Who's giving you away?" he asked. "Me...or Squall?"

"Zacky," she whined, putting her head down on the table. "I don't wanna be given away. I'm not a present!"

"But that's part of the wedding ceremony!" Zack exclaimed. "A big part."

"I don't want a big wedding," she mumbled. She looked up at him turning her own puppy dog eyes on him. "Can't I just be married and skip the fluff and yuck?"

Zack was taken aback. "What kind of wedding do you want?" he asked.

"Small and simple," she said. "I even have the vows written."

"Really?" he asked. She nodded. "Can I hear them?"

"Sure!" she answered. "Priest says, 'Kandi, do you?' I say, 'I do.' Priest says, 'Kuja, do you?' Kuja says, 'I do.' Priest says, 'Bitchin'. You are! Kiss!' All done!"

Zack laughed. "Are you serious?" he asked.

"Yep," she answered, eating the cherry off of her milkshake. "Done in five minutes. Then we can all just hang out and have fun."

"So, you'd rather have a small wedding and a bigger party afterwards?" he asked.

"Yeah," she replied with a nod. "I mean, the wedding should just be real fast. I'd rather we just get it over with and then party with our friends, Man."

Zack leaned forward and pressed his forehead against hers. "Can I still give you away?"

Kandi stuck her finger in her whipped cream and covered his nose with it. "Give away that," she grumbled.

* * *

"What are your colors?"

Kandi closed her locker and looked over at her green-haired friend. "Meh?"

Akalara rolled her eyes. "Your colors," she repeated. "You know, for your wedding?"

"Uh...red and black?" she asked.

Akalara's eyes widened. "No!" she said. "I mean, that is so not traditional. You're wedding would be red and black with you in a white dress."

"I'm _not _wearing a white dress," Kandi stated. "I'll wear black leather, thank you very much."

"Kandi, you cannot do that," Akalara told her.

"You know, for a day that everyone keeps telling me is all about what I want, nobody seems to like any of my ideas," Kandi said in exasperation. "I'm so sick of this shit!"

"You know, you could just let Rhianna, Gwen and I plan it for you," Akalara suggested.

"Listen, you got a chance to fuck up your own wedding, leave mine alone," Kandi grumbled, walking out of the locker room.

* * *

Kuja looked up as the door to their home opened with a bang and closed with a slam.

"Little canary?" he called, placing his book down and rising to his feet. He went to the kitchen where he found his red-streaked love pulling ingredients down from the cupboard for oatmeal chocolate chip cookies. He wrapped his arms around her swollen belly and kissed her neck. He smiled as he felt her relax against him. "Better?"

Kandi sighed and nodded, leaning her head against his shoulder. "Our friends suck sometimes," she mumbled, measuring out some flour into a bowl.

Kuja handed her the vanilla and grabbed some eggs out of the fridge. "Oh?" he inquired calmly. "Why is that?"

"They keep asking me about the wedding," she said slamming the butter into the bowl. "Rhianna is the instigator of it. She even had Zack pull his puppy dog eyes out and ask me if he was giving me away or if Squall was doing it."

"The shrew," Kuja offered, handing her the mixer. He smiled as she began mixing the ingredients together, adding the flour mixture. She turned off the mixer and removed the beaters, handing him one and hopping up on the counter, licking her own. "Kandi, you aren't supposed to have raw eggs."

She glared at him. "Blah," she said, eating the cookie dough. "It's just a little bit."

Kuja shook his head and licked his beater. Kandi finished hers and poured in the oatmeal and chocolate chips, mixing them in with a spoon. "You know, I just don't understand why they don't understand that I don't want a big wedding," she vented. "I've never proclaimed to be normal. They know I'm different. Why is the thought that a big wedding freaks me out so hard to grasp?"

"Perhaps they don't know you are an anti-bride?" Kuja said with a smile. "I've accepted the fact. That should be enough."

"It is, but they won't leave me the hell alone," she grumbled, spooning the cookies onto a cookie sheet and shoving them in the oven. "Kuja, I think we need to tell them."

He nodded and put his beater in the dishwasher. "As you wish, Love," he said, kissing her sweetly.

* * *

Reno grabbed a fresh oatmeal chocolate chip cookie and stuffed it in his mouth. "Mmm!" he moaned. "These are the best!"

Everyone was gathered in one of the Shrine conference rooms, eating Kandi's cookies and drinking glasses of milk. It was a completely juvenile snack, but one that they all liked.

"Kuja, why did you call us in here?" Rhianna demanded to know. "Is everything all right with the baby?"

"Our child is perfectly fine," Kuja said, pulling Kandi down onto his lap and placing his hand on her belly. "We called you all here to discuss our wedding."

Akalara and Gwen squealed and leaned forward. Zack glared at Squall, silently challenging the other man to try to take his rightful place of giving the bride away. Reno began mentally planning Kuja's bachelor party.

"Great!" Rhianna exclaimed. "What dates should we keep open?"

"Where are you registered for gifts?"

What are your colors?!"

"We already got married, you putzes!" Kandi yelled. She held up Kuja's left hand and hers as well. "Last month. You guys are too dense to realize we've been wearing our wedding bands all this time."

Everyone's mouths dropped, save Sephiroth's and Vergil's. They simply wore matching smirks. Akalara shrieked in indignation. "That is so not fair!" she cried. "I wanted to be your maid of honor!"

"Where did you get married?" Gwen asked.

Kandi smirked. "Vegas," she snickered, watching as Rhianna shook her head. "And, I won fifteen hundred gil...or dollars. Whatever. The exchange rate is the same."

"You little sneak!" Rhianna laughed. "I tried to guilt you into a huge wedding and you were already married?"

"We did what we wanted," Kuja told them. "The wedding is simply a formality to the rest of our lives."

"Right!" Kandi agreed. "Now, since you all didn't get to go to our wedding..."

"Since we weren't invited," Akalara sniffed.

"...you can all come to our huge reception, with open bar for the non-preggers people, and open buffet for everyone and dancing and partying and having fun!" Kandi told them with a huge grin. "We want to celebrate with our friends, not be all formal and stuffy. You guys understand?"

"Whatever," Squall said with a shrug. "It's cool with me, whatever you guys want."

"Open bar, I'm there," added Reno.

"I'm still pissed off that I don't get to be maid of honor," Akalara pouted, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Aw, Ak, you're still the pain in the ass," Kandi said sweetly.

"And you're still a bitch," she countered with a grin.

"Love you, Green Bitch."

Akalara smiled. "Love you, too."

Zack looked over at the red-streaked woman. "So...I don't get to give you away?" he asked.

Kandi chucked a cookie at his head. "NO!"

* * *

**_A/N: Poor Zack! LOL! I just liked the idea of Kandi as an anti-bride. She strikes me as that type of chick. Reviews are love!_**


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